------------------------------------------------------- iFart it really pisses me off after you burp or fart the way you look at me and smile with an over-inflated sense of pride what pisses me off more is when i fart you look down on me in disgust and call me a dirty little slut ----------------------------------------------------- iReady brush teeth dress not tucked in knickers at the back unplug my hair straighteners lippy keys tissues cash i think i need a wee did i clean my teeth i’m certain i did brush teeth again dress not tucked in knickers at the back check i’ve unplugged my hair straighteners lippy phone tissues cash make up loose change keys and hair brush did i unplug my hair straighteners smile for the mirror scruff hair a little tits and teeth this boy is so cute shit i can’t believe i feel like this calm down drew take a slow deep breath (beep! beep!) fuck it he’s here dress not tucked in knickers at the back lippy phone tissues cash make up loose change keys and hair brush scruffed hair too much oh god i need another wee and where’s my watch i really can’t wear these shoes not with this dress i’ll have to change this just looks minging what on earth was i thinking need different earrings where’s the dangly ones why can i never find what i want check mirror bollocks i should have played safe with me black dress nah! he’ll think he’s on a winner this looks cool yea this looks lush anyway it’s too late let’s go (door closes) i did unplug my hair straighteners oh my god i’ve left my keys on the table ---------------------------------------------------- iOffside i couldn’t have looked more less interested if i tried really darling of course darling but still he insisted on explaining the pointless offside rule pushing the pepper pot between two wine glasses then looping a sugar cube over the top offside the pepper pot he said moved too early i smiled stupid pepper pot what a total numpty ok he said let’s look at this another way you’re at a sale in top shop now he had my attention and you’re at the counter queuing to pay for a new dress when this girl pushes in front of you catches a bag her friend has thrown to her from the other side of the shop and slams it down on the counter that girl is offside no honey i said that girl is dead -------------------------------------------------- iLittle Housewife my mum gave me a pile of magazines great i thought lots to flick through all the celebs were worried about wrinkles greying hair and bulging in the middle i said mum this was very sweet but you know what i read so why give me all these not for the fashion or goss luv she said there’s loads of tips on how to de-clutter some make do and mend and saving on bills cooking wholesome food in under ten minutes so no more expensive takeaway dinners ‘cos if you’re going to get another car you’ll need to stretch your pennies and properly budget your wages i bet that if you tidied your bedroom you’d find enough loose change to fill at least two jam jars which could be as much as sixty quid enough to buy you a tyre and furry dice leave it out mum let’s be honest if i found sixty quid i’d be off to top shop buying new dresses come sunday morning all alone in my bed (how sad is that) a mug of hot chocolate to warm me inside i start to flick through some mags and really got inspired drew will change her lifestyle be tidy and organised iron clothes and use my wardrobe colour code bins for recycling of course i’ll have to give this lots of thought can’t rush into a change like this you never know it could be dangerous but maybe by next weekend i’d have neatly folded a bra or two well at least it’s a start until then i think i need a little beauty sleep --------------------------------------------------------- iSkip one two three four five six seven i got wankered at a rave in devon seven six five four three two one drum ‘n’ bass E’s topless in the sun ---------------------------------------------------------