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iFart


it really pisses me off
after you burp or fart
the way
you look at me and smile
with an over-inflated
sense of pride


what pisses me off more
is when i fart
you look down on me
in disgust
and call me
a dirty little slut

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iReady


brush teeth
dress not tucked in knickers at the back
unplug my hair straighteners
lippy keys tissues cash
i think i need a wee


did i clean my teeth iím certain i did
brush teeth again
dress not tucked in knickers at the back
check iíve unplugged my hair straighteners
lippy phone tissues cash
make up loose change keys and hair brush
did i unplug my hair straighteners
smile for the mirror scruff hair a little
tits and teeth this boy is so cute
shit i canít believe i feel like this

calm down drew
take a slow deep breath

(beep! beep!)
fuck it heís here
dress not tucked in knickers at the back
lippy phone tissues cash
make up loose change keys and hair brush
scruffed hair too much
oh god i need another wee
and whereís my watch
i really canít wear these shoes
not with this dress
iíll have to change this just looks minging
what on earth was i thinking
need different earrings
whereís the dangly ones
why can i never find what i want
check mirror
bollocks i should have played safe
with me black dress nah! heíll think
heís on a winner
this looks cool yea this looks lush
anyway itís too late letís go
(door closes)

i did unplug my hair straighteners
oh my god
iíve left my keys on the table

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iOffside


i couldnít have looked more
less interested if i tried
really darling
of course darling
but still he insisted on explaining
the pointless offside rule
pushing the pepper pot
between two wine glasses
then looping a sugar cube over the top
offside
the pepper pot he said moved too early
i smiled
stupid pepper pot what a total numpty

ok he said letís look at this another way
youíre at a sale in top shop
now he had my attention
and youíre at the counter queuing to pay
for a new dress
when this girl pushes in front of you
catches a bag her friend has thrown
to her from the other side of the shop
and slams it down on the counter
that girl is offside
no honey i said
that girl is dead

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iLittle Housewife


my mum gave me a pile of magazines
great i thought lots to flick through
all the celebs were worried about wrinkles
greying hair and bulging in the middle
i said mum this was very sweet
but you know what i read
so why give me all these

not for the fashion or goss luv she said
thereís loads of tips on how to de-clutter
some make do and mend and saving on bills
cooking wholesome food in under ten minutes
so no more expensive takeaway dinners
Ďcos if youíre going to get another car
youíll need to stretch your pennies
and properly budget your wages
i bet that if you tidied your bedroom
youíd find enough loose change
to fill at least two jam jars
which could be as much as sixty quid
enough to buy you a tyre and furry dice

leave it out mum letís be honest
if i found sixty quid
iíd be off to top shop
buying new dresses

come sunday morning
all alone in my bed (how sad
is that) a mug of hot chocolate
to warm me inside i start to flick through
some mags and really got inspired
drew will change her lifestyle
be tidy and organised
iron clothes and use my wardrobe
colour code bins for recycling
of course iíll have to give this lots of thought
canít rush into a change like this
you never know it could be dangerous
but maybe by next weekend
iíd have neatly folded a bra or two
well at least itís a start
until then i think i need a little
beauty sleep

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iSkip


one two three four five six seven
i got wankered at a rave in devon
seven six five
four three two one
drum Ďní bass Eís
topless in the sun

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